


The Sansfiction

by big_e



Category: HGTV - Fandom, Property Brothers, Scooby Doo - All Media Types, Spongebob - Fandom, Undertale (Video Game), ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Cake, F/M, France - Freeform, Funny, Gen, Hospital, Pregnancy, Rhyming, Scooby Doo - Freeform, Song - Freeform, Spongebob - Freeform, Swearing, Vore, Weird, carrot cake, cursing, relationship, scooby, shitpost, shitposting, spongebob squarepants - Freeform, undertale - Freeform, weird ship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-07 17:26:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18877804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/big_e/pseuds/big_e
Summary: Sans has a craving...for love. And also carrot cake.





	1. E!!!!!!e

**Author's Note:**

> Best read with friends.  
> The quality of writing accidentally gets better with each chapter...might be good, might be bad.

It was a romantic day in a romantic evening. Sans looked sadly over the river.  
“Damn i wish i had some fuckin carrot cake” he wailed. A gondola man pulled up and died instantly when he saw Sans. Luckily he had carrot cake.  
“Oh!!!!! WORM!!! rejoice this man, Megalovania rest his soul”. Sans screeched. The moon became frightened of his presence. The sun tried to kill him but was unsuccessful.  
“God damn you, sun!” Sans shook his fist. His eye glowed with the force of several thousand mountain men.  
The carrot cake crumbled in his fingertips!!!  
“FuCk!!” Hr screamed. He procured a pony and strode for the nearest clinical hospital.  
The doors imploded in on themselves at the sheer force of Sans power.  
“Hi, how can i help you?!” Questioned Patrick, the receptionist. Could this be the answer????  
“i need......a  
C  
A  
K  
E  
D  
O  
C  
T  
O  
R  
“  
“oh damn. right this way sire.” Patrick sweated really hard. He flew through the wall, dragging sans and his new lover with him.  
Suddenly they were in the void. A figure glowed in the distance.  
“like, what do you what.”  
“sir we have a code orange” patrick said softly into a microphone.  
Thunder crackled somewhere.  
The figure turned around.  
“Zoinks. That's like, a really mangled cake.” Shaggy inspected the baked dessert.  
Sans started flossing nervously.  
Suddenly Lord Shaggy burst into song  
“Like, i don't know if you're alive  
But you look like a beehive  
Sorry man you’re gonna die  
Unless you give me fifty five (chorus: dollars)  
Zoinks scoob, sans is sad  
Yeah this cake is looking bad  
But i'd like it better looking rad  
Cheer up son, cheer up lad!!1!”  
Suddenly the carrot cake became whole again. Now it could talk  
“Oh my god!!! I'm alive!!! And......a hot skeleton is holding me! OwO”  
Sans blushed a lot.  
Shaggy cackled. “Zoinks, man. I've tampered with the unknown! I love playing god.”  
Patrick disintegrated.  
“I AM GOD.”  
“Cool story bro” sans default danced out of the abyss into his french apartment.  
“that was....,. So nice of you. I have died everyday waiting for you.”  
Sands immediately started making out with the carrot cake. This cake tasted really really good.  
“Oh god!” The cake moaned happily.  
Suddenly sans just ate the entire cake at once.  
He gulped it down in one bite.  
“That's all folks!!!” He said in a warped demonic voice.  
Then shaggy walked in again.  
To be continued....


	2. Really really E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sans discovers there’s more to love than meets the eye.

Shaggy Rogers cackled menacingly at the Sans Man standing before him. Sans eye changed from blue to red.  
“Zoinks, man. Like, you’ve killed your lover. Right after I brought her to sentience. A waste, really.”  
Sans furiously sobbed, fighting his inner demons.  
“I’ve murdered the love of my life. please GOD help me lord Shaggy”  
“Very well. But first you must grant me 50% of your power. My library of knowledge must forever be expanded” shaggy summoned 30 large mice who started to nibble on sans bones.  
“Okay okay fine I obey.” The smell of cupcakes wafted through the air before sans vomited up a fully alive and sentient carrot cake lover.  
“GOD D A M N THAT WAS HOT. PLEASE DO IT AGAIN.”  
Sans started sobbing uncontrollably. “Damn it Cakey you SCARED ME SO MUCH.”  
Shaggy looked on in disapproval. Foolish mortals. The consequences of their actions would soon be realized. He promptly dematerialized.  
Sans got down on one knee and said sensually: “cakey I’ve only known you for 34 minutes but I LOVE YOU AND I wanna shove you against a wall and—“  
The carrot cake gasped and screamed “YES OF COURSE I LOVE YOU TOO ALWAYS AND FOREVER”  
Their lips touched and they made out for as long as they’d known each other: 34 minutes.  
After, they tracked down a pigeon and sans used the remaining 50% of his power to grow it to the size of Mount Everest and then fly them to Las Vegas. They got wasted and then stumbled into a hole.  
The most beautiful thing sans had ever seen was there: peppa pig.  
She oinked playfully. “Would you like me to marry you two?”  
“Good gracious yes” they said in unison  
“The by the power vested in me by shaggy and the state of Nevada I pronounce you Cake and Bones.”  
“Cooooooool” sans slurred. “Can I Kiss you” he whispered into her piggy ear.  
She laughed heartily, for Cakey had not heard. “you got married 3 seconds ago, you bitchass skull boy. show some respect for your damn wife.”  
“will do” He said. Then they blasted off into space where Sans licked off all of his wife’s frosting.  
“That was pretty great.” Cakey said as they braced for impact into the Pacific Ocean.  
“Hell y—“ Sans replied, his words fading into water and bubbles. Oh no. Oh no! A dolphin was nibbling on his wife.  
He elbowed the dolphin in the nose before thrusting he and Cakey out of the water.  
They landed peacefully on an island. Sans felt...a presence behind him. Oh my god, he’s here. HE IS HERE. Sans turned around…..and here he was. Standing on a volcano, Lucky Luciano’s fist curled into a ball as great plumes of smoke rose around him.  
“Cakey you better fkn R U N”  
“AAAAAAAAA” the carrot cake shrieked uncontrollably as she ran. She had assumed the form of a two human legs due to her malleability.  
“ЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЫБУДЖЦеЕеЕЕЕЕЕелылоЕе” Lucky buzzed.  
Suddenly, a welcome friend showed himself in front of them.  
“Bob!” Sans shouted happily.  
Bob the Builder saluted solemnly.“You sacrificed your livelihood for me once, Sansuel.”  
Sans gasped. Only once in a blue moon was he referred to by his true name.  
“Bob….you don’t have to do this.” He became terrified for the Builders life.  
“Yes. Yes I do.” Were Bob’s last words before, as a single acid tear rolled down his cheek, he summoned the last of his construction power, destroying Lucky Luciano but also himself in the process.  
Sans collapsed into the sand, sobbing uncontrollably.  
Cakey cried beside him. She had something to cheer him up.  
“S-Sans?”  
“Yes carrot cake dearest?”  
“I have something to tell you...”  
“I promise won’t laugh” sans hugged her  
“Okay...well.......” she smiled big. “You’re gonna be a daddy!”


	3. Very E, #3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chaos ensues as Sans goes through some tough times.

Sans screamed. Very loud. Whether in happiness or fear, he couldn’t tell. “You’re...you’re pregnant!” He stammered. This whole situation...it...  
His eye turned red again.  
Cakey’s face turned into the epitome of fear. “Oh god, Sans. I’m so sorry. We don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.”  
Sans eye began to water profusely. Blood started to run out of his ears (??) “What...is happening to me…” he muttered.  
Cakey’s two human legs began to back off of the beach.   
Sans snapped out of it. “Cakey...im sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. Come on, let’s go home.”  
Cakey sighed. “You do know gestation for my kind lasts 45 minutes? And also we’d need Lord Shaggy to bring our child to life.”  
Sans stared blankly. Damn. “Well, I guess we better go back to that hospital.” He said.  
“What a shame that nice receptionist was unable to contain shaggy's presence. What was his name again? Part? Pan? No, it was Gilbert or something like that.”  
“Fam, it was Grom.”  
“GROM. Awesome name. We should name our child Grom.”  
“Idk sweetie, that’s kinda weird.”  
Cakey reluctantly agreed. “What should we name it, then?”  
Sans thought for a minute.  
Cakey became increasingly more irritated. “Bitch we’ve only got 12 minutes before this baby pops outta me.”  
Sans default danced nervously. “Can we name it Peppa Pig? After our good friend.” He suggested, thinking of Peppa’s lustrous, shiny, pink, skin. How he wanted to kiss it.  
Cakey scoffed. “I think we should let it name itself. You’re no goddamn help.”  
“Sorry, Cakey. You’re getting awfully moody.” Sans felt like curling into a ball.  
Sans looked back at the ruins of the volcano. Something was shifting in the rubble.  
Suddenly, the Mount Everest sized pigeon landed on the beach.  
“Aw FUCK yeah!!” Yodeled the bird, eating the charred bone of what can only be assumed was Bob the Builder. “Love me some pregnant cake transportation!” it said, without correct grammar.  
“I always knew you’d come back!” Sans said in delight.  
Cakey suddenly screeched. “Oh gOD ITS HAPPENING!!”  
The pigeon immediately grasped them both in its beak and tore through the time-space continuum. They were in the hospital, the fatass bird nowhere to be seen.  
“GROM!! YOURE ALIVE!” The husband and wife yelled in unison.  
“Sorry, what? This is just me, Patrick. My apologies.” Patrick grumbled.  
“No it’s definitely Grom.” Sans growled.  
Grom gulped. “Right. What is it you lot need?” Then he spied the swollen belly of Sans beautiful wife.  
“Oh shit dude, right this way. How long have you known each other, again?” He asked dumbly.  
“6 hours, you jackass! You think we’re not prepared???” Cakey started dancing furiously.  
“Damn. Of course, my apologies.” Grom started chanting and flew them all through the back wall.  
Shaggy was waiting. “Like, Zoinks. That was fast.” He grew to 70 feet tall and t-posed to assert his dominance. “State your case, man.”  
Grom started to speak, but Cakey was in pain. and interrupted him. “apple carrots coffee deck lamp fish youtube cup yikes” she deliriously moaned.  
“Please help my wife.” Sans begged Lord Shaggy.  
“Like, why should I help you, man? You’re both lucky to have escaped my primal energy, hoho!” The hair, the outfit, the aura…it was all truly terrifying. What could possibly happen next?  
“HOLY FUCK ITS COMING N O W” Cakey bellowed. She morphed back into a cake immediately following a mass falling through her “legs”.  
“Incredible…” Grom breathed.  
“It’s...a carrot bone cake?? Wait…” sans looked closer. The baby...it...looked like Crazy Frog?  
Several years passed while shaggy froze time in the outside world. Sans would need to have an explanation.  
“Like, i know how zoinky it is to look at your offspring, but that’s perfectly normal. Cake babies always shapeshift, man!”  
Cakey panted. “whoo WEE. I should have told you earlier, my love. I’m sorry you’ve been misled.”  
Sans nodded. “Is the baby...alive?”  
“Zoinks! Thats like, the most important part! Here goes, man!” Shaggy talked backwards in an ancient language and made glowy lights. “This is just for show.” He murmured to Patrick. They both giggled.  
Suddenly the baby shapeshifted on its own! It began speeding around the void like no tomorrow.  
“Sans...why is our baby blue?” Cakey questioned.  
Her husband chuckled. “Just like my hoodie.”  
“Ah yes, of course.” Cakey sighed.  
The child stopped as soon as it heard words being spoken and grew instantly larger.  
“Möther. Father. My name is Sonic.” He introduced himself, bowing.  
“YEET!! We have a son!” The couple said together, high fiving. Or at least trying to. It was more like Sans slapping his wife and gets crumbs and frosting everywhere.  
“Like, youre using up my void, man! Get outta here!” Shaggy said as he evicted them from the abyss. Grom resumed his work at the front desk.  
“Thank you so much, Grom! You’ve really helped us a BUNCH today.” Sans hugged his friend.  
“I’m still Patrick” the pink starfish said gloomily.  
Sans leaned in close to Patrick/Grom’s ear.  
“I don’t believe you.” He said, so only they heard.  
Patrick/Grom began to sweat. This was truly a force to be reckoned with.  
Sonic screamed suddenly. “HES COMING. WE MUST RUN.”  
“Run from what, my son?” Sans assumed a protective stance. Pedestrians outside seemed to be halting, looking at the sky.  
Cakey stared through a window in horror. “Him.”  
There, levitating high above the street, was Lucky Luciano. A grin adorned his slightly charred face. Hot magma dripped from his orfices, sizzling as it dropped to the road below.  
“Эзцьеьмгцхубащсдцбцх!!!!” He screeched, doing it to thousands of terrified onlookers. Sans’ French apartment was destroyed instantly.  
“Dear god! He’s doing it to us!” Patrick remarked. In that instance, everyone’s clothes vaporized. Dicks flooded the streets.  
Sonic rubbed his chin somberly. “I think I can defeat him. But as you know, the curse of Doing It To Them can’t be destroyed, only passed on.”  
“You...you can’t be thinking of…” sans clutched his chest.  
“Son!! You can’t! I’ve only just birthed you!” Cakey sobbed.  
“It must be done. Don’t worry, I’ll just be in a different body.” Sonic sighed, and then then saluted while reciting the pledge of allegiance. It was indeed very beautiful, but he immediately painted himself to be the American flag in glitter glue.  
Everyone thought he was done, but to no avail. Sonic then started to sing, with an unnecessary amount of vibrato:  
“oH sAy CaN yOu SeE bY tHe DaWn’S eArLy LiGhT  
wHaT sO pRoUdLy We hAiLeD aT tHe tWiLiGhT’s GlEaMiNg?  
WhO’s BrOaD stRiPes AnD bRiGhT sTaRs ThRoUgH tHe PeRiLoUs FiGhT  
o’Er ThE rAmPaRtS wE wAtChEd WeRe So GaLlAnTlY sTrEaMiNg?  
AnD tHe RoCkEt’S rEd GlArE, tHe BoMbS bUrStiNg In AiR  
gAvE pRoOf ThRoUgH tHe NiGhT tHaT oUr FLaG wAs StiLl tHeRe  
oH sAy DoEs ThAt StAr SpAnGlEd BaNnEr YeT wAvE  
o’Er ThE laNd Of ThE fReE aNd ThE hOmE oF tHe BrAvE?”  
He gasped for air, for his blue fur had turned from blue, to red, back to blue. He kept flashing in between the two colors.  
“Like, God Bless America, man!” Shaggy said from beyond.  
“We made a beautiful hedgehog being, my love.” Sans started making out with his wife, plunging his fingers into her sweet, sweet frosting.  
“God damn, y’all are disgusting.” Sonic flew threw the hospital doors to meet Lucky. Onlookers started praying to at god they could, for this surely was an impossible feat!  
“Look at our sweet boy.” Cakey moaned.  
Sans looked on as his son beat the devil out of Lucky Luciano as Megalovania played furiously in the background. The battle was long and hard, not unlike some of the folks in the str—  
“Look! HE is having it done to HIM!” Sans marveled from the hospital window.  
“Двдктйзцхэц!!!!” Lucky trilled angrily before finally fleeing the city. The sky turned pink with his power.  
“aaaAAAA A A A A. A. A” Sonic screeched in pain as all of his bones shifted to become the new Doer.  
“Why did you have to do it to yourself??” Cakey sobbed.  
“Why did you have to do it to us???” Sans sniffled.  
Patrick (Grom) let a few silent tears fall for the baby delivered only 3 minutes before.  
“Like, Zoinks, Scoob. There’s an imbalance in the world’s energy, man!” Shaggy pondered from his void.  
“He’s not fucking dead, Cakey. It’s not over, not yet.” Sans embraced his wife.  
“How? How is it not over?” Cakey dabbed her sadness away. “Lord Shaggy, bless him, wont do us any more favors.”  
“My dear carrot cake. There’s still a source of power we haven’t tapped yet.”  
“What in the hell could that possibly be?” Cakey crossed her arms.  
“Not what, sweetheart. Who.”  
In that moment, a saxophone started to play in the distance. It got louder and louder until: he was here.  
Garfield was here to save their son’s livelihood. Along with his cousin, the Pink Panther. And he brought his dog, Clifford.


	4. Number 4, on the floor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it goes buck wild. i don’t know what to tell you

“Ayyyyyy bada bing bada boom” Garfield sneered, chucking his saxophone into Grom’s face.  
“Looks like you’ve got yourself a problem there, buddy.” The immense orange cat bounced around like a balloon.  
“Our fuckin son had it done to him.” Cakey said, gesturing to the chaos outside.  
“Welcome, bröther!” Sans chortled. He embraced the feline, the cat’s fat enveloping him completely for a solid ten seconds.  
The pink panther glitched forward, eyes bright with knowledge. No part of his body was where it should be.  
“What happened to him?” asked Sans, prying himself off of Garfield’s belly.  
“Oh yeah, he kinda stared into the face of God. A shame, really.” Garfield waved him off.  
“Damn, bitch.” Grom wailed on the floor, still reeling from the impact of the sax. Everyone ignored him.  
“That’s a big ass dog, bro.” Cakey looked up at the enormous red dog. The ceiling was gone. Suddenly, everything turned orange.  
Cakey S H R I E K E D and ran out into oncoming traffic.  
“LOVER! COME BACK, ITS ONLY THE COLOR OF CITRUS!!” Sans detached his arm and threw it at a car, which narrowly missed his wife.  
Yikes.  
Clifford barked, and everyone went deaf for 5 seconds. He smelled like frogs. The color returned to the world.  
“Oops, sorry about that, man. You should help your wife, bro.” Garfield stopped time and used his power to teleport Cakey and Sans back to Lucky Luciano’s volcanic island.  
“YOU SON OF A BITCH!! I SUMMONED YOU TO HELP!!” Sans screamed into the oblivion. His arm was back somehow.  
Cakey was unconscious on the sand, and hurricane force winds blew all around them.  
A gummy snake slithered up from the depths of Hell and bit Cakey to wake her up. Sans kicked it into the sea after biting it in half.  
“W-what happened?” His wife stammered.  
“My brother betrayed me.” Sans said.  
“Oh.”  
A sharp cry cut through the air, turning the beach into lava.  
Sans and Cakey embraced each other, ready for death, when a head popped up through the liquid rock. A torso soon followed.  
“Steve Irwin???” Cakey gasped.  
“Crikey, mate! G’day!!” Steve grinned and hauled himself onto dry land. He threw the couple a rope made of blistering Australian heat.  
“Oh my god. Steve! We all thought you were dead!” Sans bowed.  
“I was, mate! Just gettin’ ready for a little reincarnation. Seems like you’ve triggered it!”  
Cakey just looked confused. “How could this have happened? Aren’t you supposed to be in like, another body when you’re reincarnated?”  
“Normally. But Lord Shaggy has blessed me with a second life! Seems like I’ve got to restore order to the world, mate!” Another trill sounded from afar.  
“Hmm. And I guess that’s why!”  
Explosions riddled the air as a mournful scream came from a nearby walrus carcass.  
“I’m the only one other than Shaggy himself who can understand this poor fella.” Steve silently crept forward.  
He motioned for a knife, so Sans whittled him one out of a tooth.  
Cakey’s eyes popped out of their sockets as Steve cut open the walrus to reveal none other than Lucky Luciano himself.  
“чцоцркооужцэюбпь!!!!” Lucky buzzed, shooting away into a tree.  
“What in God’s name happened to him?”  
Steve sighed. “Someone seems to have Done It to him, mate! Someone named Sonic?”  
Sans and Cakey exchanged glances.  
“Our son was named Sonic, and he became the new Doer to prevent Lucky from destroying our town!” Cakey said.  
“Yeah, Lucky made everything dicks!” Sans grunted.  
“Oh no. This is bad. You have to let him Do It to you! It’s in his nature, he can’t help it! Doing It restarts the clock for the end of the world! And now he’s forgotten how!” Steve tore off his lower lip nervously.  
“But if Sonic is the new Doer, doesn’t that mean the clock is still reset?”  
“No, this was never meant to happen. It must be Lucky.”  
“лебужйхы вижу улыдыжвэ!!!!!!” trilled the ex-Doer from his tree.  
“He wants our help, mate. Or my help, specifically. He doesn’t quite trust you’s’s yet. Your son un-Doing him, and all that. Nothing personal. We have 1 day!” Steve waved as a giant crocodile rose from the waves and he vaulted onto its back. It absorbed Lucky into its jaws and submerged itself beneath the waves.  
“what the fuck do we do now. i’m too s a d to use my power to get us home.” Sans started making snow angels in the sand.  
“I guess we buy a house.” Cakey rolled her eyes. “But we might need a realtor first.”  
Cakey started choking, and her eyes went red.  
“That’s where we come in.” She said, in a horrific, gargle-y voice.  
Cakey threw up 7 quarts of black slime, to Sans’ horror.  
“Bitch are you okay????????” Sans gasped. Cakey stared into the void as the sludge started to take form. “No. But I think they are.”  
Standing before them were the Property Brothers.  
“We’re here to help,” they said, in haunting unison.  
“Can you tell us a little about yourselves?” Sans raised a boney eyebrow.  
“No.” The brothers said with a grin.  
“Cool.” Sans whipped.  
“What about—what about your names?” Cakey said, coughing mid-sentence.  
“No.” Their abnormally white teeth glistened in the warm sun.  
“Okay Brother 1, show us the way!” Sans bowed to the powerful beings before him.  
“Excellent!” The brothers took them forcefully by the arms and led them to a historical colonial residence, the sand tinted orange from the infernal blaze incinerating the home.  
“Wow! It’s so close to the beach!” Cakey said in awe.  
Sans nodded. “Are there any that aren’t on fire? I’ve had a bad time with that in the past.”  
“No.”  
“Is this the only one on the island?”  
“Yes. This is a 4 bed, 3 and two-fifths bath, and that number is going down as we speak!” The crispness of their suits crackled in Sans’ ear.  
“Shall we take a tour?” The brothers snapped their fingers and time instantly stopped.  
They motioned for the couple the move through the doorway.  
“ay yo where’s the fuckin uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh️ b e d r o o m” Sans eyes drifted to his hot and steamy wife.  
“Yeah, where can we—“ Cakey was interrupted by Property Brother #2, who threw her up the stairs.  
“Your destination is to your left.” Both brothers stated.  
“Seems legit.” Sans marches up to meet his wife.  
“We’re sold!” he said, without looking at anything. It was the only house on the island, after all.  
“Excellent! The price is 3.24 million, and the owner is NOT open to haggling.” The brothers said gravely.  
“Are you the owners?” Cakey asked.  
The Property Brothers were silent.  
“uhhhhhh. could you give us a minute?” Sans suddenly started to sweat.  
“You have 45 seconds!” The brothers cheerfully declared. They vanished instantly.  
“Sans, how are we going to pay for this shit??” Cakey said nervously.  
“Well, isn’t selling pimple fetish pics on the interwebs the Hot New Trend?” Sans rubbed his acne-free chin.  
“Neither of us have skin.”  
“Shit.”  
Neither of them said anything for the remaining 32 seconds.  
With a bone-cracking “pop”, the Brothers phased back into existence.  
“So, what’ll it be? House or death?”  
“What?”  
“What?”  
“Uhhhh, well, we’d love the house, but it’s too damn expensive, see.”  
The Brothers’ eyes glowed red. “Understandable, have a nice day.” As the entities departed, time resumed, and the house exploded.  
Cakey and Sans died instantly.  
“Like, you can’t keep keep doing this, man!” Shaggy chortled.  
They were back in the void.  
“It’s not our fault! There were these two guys who tried to sell us a house and then they killed us!” Sans yelled.  
Shaggy sighed. “Zoinks, man. My nephews suck sometimes. I’ll throttle them when they get back.”  
“Thank you. Can you resurrect us please?” pleaded Cakey.  
“Like, why should I?” Shaggy raised an eyebrow.  
“Our son became the new Doer and we have to stop him before the world ends.”  
“Like, that’s just another Saturday night for me, man! Do you know how many worlds I’ve created?”  
“Don’t be a bitchass. What would Scooby say?”  
“Don’t talk about him. Fine, whatever, man. You’re just two ants under my boot anyway.” Shaggy snapped his fingers and the couple were suddenly back on the beach.  
“Sick, dude.” Sans suddenly remembered that the world might end.  
“Cakey, i am no longer too sad to use my power. Let’s go.” He said bravely.  
“Hell yeah!” Cakey said.  
Sans zapped them back to the hospital.  
Garfield and his brethren were long gone, but Grom lay facedown on the floor.  
“Grom! What is up, my man!” Sans slapped his bone thighs. His femurs.  
“This is Patrick.” Grom said, voice muffled from the tile.  
Cakey kicked the starfish’s leg and screeched. “Why is your leg so hard???”  
“Oh. I’m slowly turning into concrete.” Patrick sighed. “Sonic Did It to me.”  
“Oh god, that’s what happens?” Sans was horrified.  
“He does what he wants.” Grom sighed into the floor. “I’ll probably die soon, fam.”  
“No.” Cakey stomped her foot, crumbs falling to the floor.  
Suddenly, Don’t Stop Me Now starting playing out of nowhere.  
Everyone in the hospital flooded out of the doors to see Sonic running in loops mid-air.  
“dOnT sToP mE nOw” he screeched. “tHeReS nO sToPpiNg Me. iM tRaVeLiNg At ThE sPeEd Of LiGhT.” he said, going faster.  
“Oh god. He’s singing it out of order.” Sans was horrified.  
“We have to stop him,” Cakey agreed. “But how?”  
“We need to find Steve Irwin.”  
“Do you have enough power?”  
“No.” Sans dabbed sadly. “But i know someone who does.”  
Sans clicked his bones together and formed the shape of a lasagna.  
The air suddenly became very humid, and Garfield, Clifford, and the Pink Panther appeared. Clifford immediately ran off to chase a plane.  
“Bazinga, my guy. Whats up?” Garfield stared down upon Sans, who Slav-squatted in respect.  
“We need your help. Can you find someone for us?”  
“Yeah, for 300 lasagnas.” Garfield’s belly rumbled loudly.  
Cakey whistled.  
“Fine. Just do it now, for Megalovania’s sake.” Sans shed one single tear.  
“Who’re you after?” Garfield said plainly.  
“Steve Irwin.”  
The orange cat cackled. “He’s dead, you dipshit. But since you’re paying me, alright.” He closed his eyes. The panther waggled his eyebrows in agony as Garfield t-posed and spun around like a Flutterbye Fairy.  
“Target Located, my man.” He squinted. “That’s weird. I don’t remember him being buried in a 7-Eleven in Tampa, Florida.”  
Sans quickly grabbed some of Cakey’s icing and wrote “i o u 300 lasagnas” on the street. He didn’t have a pen.  
“Thanks!” He said, before teleporting to Tampa. He could feel Steve’s energy nearby.  
“Snakes are scary and should all die!” he shouted.  
“Actually mate, most of them will leave you alone if you leave them be.” said a voice from behind him.  
Sans turned around and there he was. Steve stood confidently behind the skeleton.  
“Just kidding. I knew that.” Sans laughed awkwardly.  
Nearby was Lucky, who held a 44 ounce Mountain Dew Slurpee. He unhinged his jaw and ate the whole thing in one bite.  
“сжахвцш взулцттй ажмщгмгулйьбцзцхц” he chirped.  
“Yeah, I know. It’s not far.” Steve gently pet the baby crocodile in his shirt pocket.  
“How are things with Lucky?” Cakey gulped.  
“Very well. We just need one final thing. Why don’t you all join us?” Steve’s tone of voice implied they had no choice.  
“Let’s go!” said both Cakey and Sans.  
And off they went to 14301 Capitol Drive, Tampa, Florida.  
Lucky stepped into his place on the sidewalk and closed his eyes. His face told Sans that he was nervous.  
“You can do it mate, I know you can!” Steve cheered.  
Cakey stood on Sans’ head to get a better look at the historic event that was about to unfold.  
Slowly, Lucky brought his hands together. He opened his glowing eyes and let out a sharp trill.  
“швщузцдцбцззцбцбцжйзцзхц!!!!!!!” he said, levitating, before shooting into the sky.  
“Crikey!” exclaimed Steve.  
“What’d he say?” asked Sans.  
“He’s going to challenge Sonic.”  
“Where?” Worry laced Cakey’s voice.  
Steve sighed. “Chicago.”  
“Right now????”  
“Right now. Let’s go, bitches.” Steve secured the alligator in his pocket and summoned an eagle.  
It snatched all of them into its claws, and flew off after Lucky.  
A half hour passed, and when they got to Chicago, half the city was already covered in dicks.  
“Why does he always have to have dongs everywhere?” Cakey covered her face.  
“The Big Gae, probably,” boomed the eagle, before dropping them onto the top of the Sears Tower.  
Sonic blared Nightcore from his mouth in the form of an energy beam. Lucky countered his attack with liquid memes. Both were covered in blood.  
“Do you think one of them will miss?” Sans said.  
“No. Doers’ attacks always hit, mate.” Steve sighed solemnly.  
“I guess they never miss, huh?” Sans default danced to the rhyme of death.  
“Nah.”  
A Nightcore beam blasted into Lucky’s head, right as a deep fried meme flew through Sonic’s stomach.  
“BITCH THEYRE GONNA FUCKIN KILL EACH OTHER” Cakey screamed.  
“I won’t let that happen. They’re mine now,” a watery voice said from the beyond.  
Suddenly, a rift opened in the sky. Through it came a hideous entity who was bigger than any shit they had on Earth.  
“Who the hell are you?” Sans said shakily.  
The entity laughed. “Bogwater Sand.”


	5. number 5, i’m gonna cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i. i’ve lost my sanity. thank

The earth shook as Bogwater Sand chortled loudly. The roof underneath everyone groaned.  
Sans’ offspring was frozen in midair, as well as the Doer himself.  
“Sonic belongs to me now. As for you…” He smiled at Lucky Luciano. “I don’t need a spare.”  
Lucky screeched as Bogwater snapped his fingers. He was gone instantly.  
“N O ! !” Steve Irwin cried, dropping to his knees.  
“oh my god…” Sans couldn’t believe it.  
“My, my. So sensitive. Don’t worry. He’s only buried in the deepest pits of hell. Or as you call it, Italy. Have fun. Toodles!” Bogwater firmly grasped Sonic and teleported away.  
“Who could possibly be so evil??? Our son is gone…” Sans lamented.  
“And who for the love of Shaggy could hate Italy?” Cakey moaned.  
“Crikey…what is he planning?” Steve said sadly.  
“We have to go to Bogwater Sand!!!” Sans yelped as Shaggy pinched him from Beyond.  
“We uhhh. We have to go to Italy!” he announced.  
The ghostly arm of Shaggy emerged from the void, giving Sans a hearty thumbs up.  
“Like, die slowly, man! It’s more fun for me to watch!” his disembodied voice called.  
“Thanks, Shaggy!” everyone yelled.  
“Now, how do we get there?” asked Steve.  
“Don’t you both have powers?” Cakey said.  
Steve and Sans exchanged glances. Both immediately started flexing as hard as they could. Steve turned red, and two of Sans’ fingers fell off.  
“Damn, that’s tough.” She sighed.  
Sans pouted. “Fuckin Bagpipe Sandwich. Taking our goddamn powers.”  
“Shaggy wants you to start before his pöpcorn is done.” said a familiar voice.  
“Who’s there??” Sans whirled around, his sneakers squeaking like a basketball court.  
A very pink forehead phased up from under the floor. “It’s me, Patr—”  
“GROM!!!” screamed Cakey and Sans.  
“It is me, yes. You guys need to go to Italy.” Grom said slowly, glitching up onto the roof.  
“Yes, well, we’re working on that, but we have no way to get there.” piped up Steve, who was still tomato red.  
“How do you think those mortals down there get around?” Grom-Patrick smiled.  
The energy of Shaggy’s amusement was forced upon everyone on Earth.  
Suddenly, the scene shifted and they were inside of a bustling airport.  
“This is as far as Shaggy will assist you. Cakey, Sans, to everyone else you will look like short little kids. Steve, your face has been altered beyond recognition. Everything you need is in your pockets. Good luck.” Patrick-Grom said before dematerializing.  
Steve looked around, scarlet as ever. “It’s been a long time since I was in one of these. Let’s go.”  
Confused and frightened, the couple followed the Crocodile Man.  
As they made their way around security, Steve, slowly turning into a shade of pink, got many compliments about his well-behaved children.  
Eventually they came to the last part: TSA. The agent at the end’s name tag read Ricardo. Ricardo didnt say anything, but he waggled his eyebrows when all three of them registered as blocks of iron. It turned out there were just a lot of zippers in their pockets. Thanks, Shaggy.  
“Oh my god, we got through!!” screeched Cakey, alarming several people.  
“You bet, babe. God, airports are hot.” Sans immediately made out with his wife.  
Steve, now back to his normal tone, immediately remembered what other people were seeing the lovers as.  
“oh god oh no oh fuck” he muttered, more Australian than ever.  
People started to scream as he turned a sickly shade of yellow. Not caring, he smacked Cakey and Sans on the heads.  
“What did I tell you about making out in public?” he said.  
“Nothing.” said Sans.  
“Yeah that’s fair.” Steve scooped up the cake-covered skeleton and dragged them both all the way to the terminal, where he bribed officials with golden zippers.  
Once they were on the plane, the couple became a bit worried about Steve.  
“Steve, my man, my buddy...are you good???” Sans started to ugly-cry, for Steve Irwin was now bright orange.  
“What’dya mean, mate?”  
“you look like a fucking cheeto” Cakey said.  
“Yikes!” Steve said, a bit too cheerfully.  
They sat down and the plane immediately accelerated to Mach 4. Shaggy’s pöpcorn was almost done.  
“hi, i’m captain john mulaney, and it seems like we’re about to die!” said the pilot over the intercom.  
Everyone screamed as Shaggy’s voice sounded from the speakers.  
“Like, John, things are gonna get pretty ZOINKY if you don’t crash this plane into Tuscany right now!”  
“i...i uh, i don’t know, they seem pretty zoinky right now, Lord Rogers…”  
Of course, he didn’t have a choice. 3 seconds later, they were descending into the Italian Alps.  
Steve, Sans, and Cakey flew through the side of plane and straight into the base a mountain.  
Sans coughed. “Cakey, are you and your delicious, delicious frosting okay?”  
“I think so. But we should probably be more worried about Steve.”  
Steve groaned and sat up. He was pale.  
“G’day, kangaroos…” he said weakly.  
“Is that a cave?” Cakey pointed out.  
“Looks like it. Do we go in?”  
“That’s the most cursed energy i’ve ever felt. So yes.”  
They gathered themselves up when suddenly they were grabbed by two very long arms reaching out from the cave.  
A shadowy figure stood in front of a solid wall.  
“my name is dio. lord shaggy has commanded i protect the one true doer from outsiders. if you answer correctly, you may pass. how many breads have you eaten” rasped a hoarse voice.  
“What?”  
“you heard me.”  
Sans looked at his wife and grinned. “Does cake count?”  
“correct.” coughed Dio. He promptly exploded, taking the back wall with him.  
“aw HELL yeah.” Sans and Cakey said together.  
“Forward we march.” said Steve solemnly.  
As they skipped merrily along the dank path, a tapping could be heard.  
“Who is it this time?” called Sans.  
No one answered, but the tapping grew louder.  
Another dark figure appeared to be dancing about.  
“Hold on mates, I got this.” Steve began to glow, illuminating the tunnel ahead.  
“...Ricardo?” Cakey asked.  
Ricardo said nothing, but stared seductively in Cakey’s direction.  
“What do you want?” Sans asked.  
Ricardo waggled his brows and grinned heartily. His dancing became wilder and more intense.  
“This is a classic example of a wild Ricardo challenging intruders to a dance-off.” Steve said, light pouring out of his mouth like a flashlight.  
Everyone broke into dance with no rhyme or reason, and eventually Ricardo donkey-kicked the wall behind him and sped away.  
“Things usually come in threes, right?” Cakey said.  
“I’m frightened.” admitted Sans.  
“You should be.” echoed a voice ahead.  
“oh god. why do i recognize that voice.” Sweat began pouring out of Sans.  
Still, the group advanced.  
Steve, who looked like a ghost, lit the tunnel enough to make out what looked like—  
“It’s them. It’s the Property Brothers.” breathed Cakey.  
“Indeed.” The pair stepped forward, red eyes glowing. “There is only one way to get rid of us,” they said in unison.  
“Sans, how much money do you have?” murmured Sbeve.  
“Why?”  
The brothers cackled as they held out a clipboard. “Sign.”  
On the paper, in bold black letters, read MORTGAGE.  
“god fucking dammit” muttered Sans as he scribbled his name.  
The brothers rubbed their hands together menacingly. “Excellent. You will be hearing from us shortly.” They dematerialized, opening the door behind them.  
A trill sounded as Lucky Luciano burst through the tunnel.  
“урйщхмбвошкхц даша зжцзцдбужукзпхдвтаиугчг!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  
“Awww, I missed you too, buddy!!” cried Steve, his true color being restored by Lucky’s power. “Now, tell us where that bastard Bogwater Sand is.”  
Lucky stomped his foot, teleporting them to Bogwater’s lair. Cakey died of shock immediately.  
“—which is why The Room is a cinematic masterpiece.” drawled Bogwater, who hadn’t noticed them yet.  
“True, but...” said Sonic, forgetting what he was going to say.  
Bogwater shrugged before screaming.  
“what the FUCK. you come into MY HOUSE and INTERRUPT my CONVERSATION” he shrieked.  
“Aren’t you the bitchass who took our powers away???” growled Sans.  
“Oh. Yes i suppose i am.”  
“Why aren’t you big and scary?”  
“I don’t really feel like it right now. I just wanted the mortals to know how good i am at acting. I have 14 pending auditions!” said Bogwater proudly.  
Thunder boomed as Shaggy, who was unhappy with this ending, threw his popcorn on the floor.  
“Like, if you can’t make good daytime television, then i’ll make it myself, man!”  
“Oh no. That can’t be good.” said Steve.  
“You’re an...entity, right?” Sans asked Bogwater, who nodded. “Can’t you take on Shaggy?”  
“I could, but i’d hate to upset my uncle. But the alternative might be death. Also I might not be powerful enough on my own. But...with you…”  
“With me?”  
“If we fuse our powers, we could stop Shaggy from erasing this universe. If we fuse to become… Bogwater Sans.”


End file.
